Stealing Beauty (1996)

much ado about nothing
To comprehend this empty, meaningless drivel, one must accept, as do the characters in it, the premise that Liv Tyler is a veritable goddess of love. Unfortunately, as she is stultifyingly dull, inane, superficial, selfish, coy, and vapid, this is impossible. God only knows why Bertolucci cast her in this role, surrounded by others who can actually act. Not even consummate pro Jeremy Irons can make his fascination with this simpering whiner sound sincere.

The story is as banal as she is: teenage Lucy (Tyler) returns to Italy to lose her virginity, dreaming of a sexy young Italian she met at 13. She does not delight in the Tuscan landscape, study art, or learn Italian, which she insists on pronouncing with an excruciating American accent. Lucy lodges with a fatuous English sculpture and family who live the kind of `bohemian' life only available to the idle rich. The boys are beautiful (young Joseph Fiennes is stunning) and, their hormones raging, are after just one thing.

The only thoughtful character is a middle-aged man dying of AIDS (Irons). His inexplicable presence and predicament may have been the director's idea of adding `weight' to this fluff. He and Lucy become friends, though one cannot grasp why. Perhaps she admires his ability speak in sentences that parse. Her utter self-absorbtion is forgotten for a moment as he is whisked away to die in a hospital. But as soon as the ambulance is out of sight, pretty, perky, pouty Lucy quickly comes to her senses and returns to the task at hand: giving it up.

The only other American in the film is a thoroughly odious entertainment lawyer who, when not on the phone making deals, cheats on his wife at every turn. Being within earshot, she always catches him. He follows her around and grovels.

But back to Lucy! She is a relentless tease and remorselessly leads on her paramour. When the time comes, however, she spurns him with one last shrill whine of consternation, and flounces out of the room leaving him decidedly 'blue'.

Bertolucci must have been in love to have been this blind.

Pretty but dull...
...kind of like Liv Tyler, I guess!

This film is kind of one long homage to her, really...and if she were a more interesting beauty it just might have worked. While a passable actress, she just doesn't have much going for her other than nice hair, pouty lips, and flawless skin; her eyes are kind of vacuous and bland for the most part, and there's no primal sexual energy underneath...of course she's playing a 19 year old virgin for most of the film so I suppose that was Bertolucci's intent. Still, she's the kind of demure, quiescent type which just puts you to sleep even if she does look pretty from a distance and simply does not generate much gut-level desire.

Visually, this is indeed a beautiful film, like watching a series of postcards for two hours. The pacing is very Europeanish-slow of course, and some of the characters rather two-dimensional and predictable. Lots of artsy fartsy pretentiousness too, which can get a bit tiring, and at times bordered on outright cheesiness. Some of the cross-cultural bits, like the scene where we are subjected to Liv Tyler bounce and gyrate in her bedroom with her headphones blaring some thrash-type tune, were especially hard to stomach.

I was much relieved when it was finally over, frankly. Got tired of cringeing so much, lol.

Stealing my money
Slow boring plot, other than 2 brief nude scenes, this movie is about as slow as it gets. Not really a story line to this and the actors who are top notch are wasted. Not an NC-17 movie.. other than a guy shows his Johnson for a VERY short time and so fast you would have to be superman to see it.. (Yeah I guess you ladies could freeze frame it)